Common childhood maladies the books don't mention

Every working parent of a school-age child has one number they never want to see on their office phone's caller ID: that of their child's school office. Nine times out of ten, it's the school nurse calling (that tenth time when it's not is a WHOLE different blog post!), and then a decision has to be made: is my kid sick enough for me to need to leave work? The choice is obvious if the kid is puking or feverish...but what about those pesky stomachaches and vague "I don't feel good" complaints?

Many books have been written to guide parents through various common childhood illnesses, but in my experience, a few extremely common maladies have been left out of these manuals. My kids don't tend to break bones or even come down with swine flu, but they definitely have had (sometimes multiple) cases of the following:

1. the "I don't like math" stomachache
This affliction strikes suddenly and with miraculous timing. One minute, your child is happily chatting with classmates and working on an art project...the next, she is slumped over unhappily as her teacher switches gears to her least-favorite subject. Luckily, a trip to the nurse's office removes her from what was once a classroom and now a Dungeon of Math-Related Doom. Recovery is also miraculous: no need to rush to school; the recess bell effects an instant recovery.

2. "I didn't like the lunch" hunger pains
This stomachache normally appears in the afternoon and is sometimes accompanied by overall fatigue or weakness. While at first glance, the child may appear to be genuinely ill, further questioning reveals that the cafeteria served Enchiladas with Sauce That Looks Like Puke again, and the substituted yogurt-with-graham-cracker entree was not very filling. Cured by a snack; if none is available, this illness is not contagious and no classmates will be affected if your child is sent back to class to suffer through the rest of the day.

3. the "my best friend is absent" sniffles
This one is trickier; while most school-related "illnesses" magically disappear at lunchtime or recess, this one lands your kid in the office during recess, making it more likely to appear legitimate. Questioning, however, reveals that whoever your child spends recess with is absent, leaving her with nothing to do. This is usually a 24-hour illness, unless your child's classmate is absent longer than a day. Note: more common among girls than boys.

4. Sympathy Flu
This "illness" strikes when half the class has been absent within the past week because the flu is going around. After watching one classmate after another fall ill in the bathroom, or perhaps the hallway, and get sent home from school, your child decides he could use a day off as well. Your insistence to the nurse that your child is Just Fine and Appeared Normal This Morning falls on deaf ears, because she has seen all too many kids claiming to not feel good go on to actually vomit, and not always in the trash can, to want to take any chances with yours. While she can't force you to pick up a child that has not yet been physically ill, she can absolutely make you feel like a terrible parent for refusing to do so. Most likely to hit during cold and flu season.


and my personal favorite...

5. Leaf-Eating secondary to Acute Boredom
This one may, in fact, require early pickup from school, especially if your child's math teacher made the mistake of placing somewhat poisonous-if-eaten plants in the classroom thinking that surely second graders are old enough not to take bites of the classroom foliage. The phone call from the hesitant-voiced nurse, who is probably thinking "my medical training never prepared me to make a call like this...", will inform you that unfortunately, your child appears to have ingested a leaf that has caused his tongue to swell and his throat to become sore, and while research indicates the plant is not deadly, you are advised to keep an eye on him and take him to the doctor if it gets worse. More likely to affect boys, especially those known for taking dares to do things like chew gum found on hallway walls, or poke sticks into toilets. Bonus: you get a partially eaten plant leaf in a bag as a souvenir.

Because my children come down with the above at least 5 times as often as they are actually sick, I've instituted a rule with the school nurse: do not bother calling me unless there is (a) blood, and a considerable amount of it; (b) visibly broken bones; (c) a fever above the school's limit; or (d) actual vomit, and someone must have witnessed it. Saying "I threw up...in the bathroom" is not enough. The more witnesses, the more believable the story and the greater the likelihood I will show up to retrieve the possibly-sick child. Spontaneously becoming violently ill in the middle of the classroom during a favorite subject, although unfortunate for the teacher, is the best way to guarantee getting to go home--because my kids haven't found out a way to fake that...yet!